sex in marriage

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Dear Younger Self, 
I've been contemplating the sexual intimacy journey in my marriage and have come to learn that I'm definitely not the only one to struggle with feelings of purity and carnal desires. How do you reconcile it? What separates the two in marriage? Selflessness. When we are in a sexual relationship for the physical only, we are only taking and giving nothing in return. 
I read a comment recently that beautifully describes the key, I think, to turning the sexual marriage experience into a sacred and pure one. The author said, "We tend to do for others what would make us happy if someone would do the same for us. And afterward we wonder why the other person isn’t happy. One great key to success in marriage is to find out what would make our spouse happy and then to find joy in providing that happiness."(Barlow, 1986)
This is a wonderful description of how we can see the differences in our spouse more positively and having more to do with them, and less to do with us. This gives opportunity for us to exercise true and selfless service. It's easy to make our spouse feel like they owe us, are taking from us, or that they need to meet some expectation in our intimate relationship, but when we act out of pure, unconditional giving, it is rewarded in kind. 
As a young wife, sex sometimes seemed like a chore, a bore, or I felt like a...well let's just say I felt used. But I realize now that I was also very difficult, expecting, and rarely compromised my wants for my husband's. Our very strained sexual relationship lasted for most of our exhausted child bearing years, and was the cause of much contention. 
I came to know that as soon as I decided to acknowledge my husband's needs as different, healthy, and understandable, I tried to meet them without my begrudging attitude. Everything changed. He became more amiable to my needs because he didn't see my lack of desire as a threat to my love for him, a thing I never supposed was connected. As soon as I decided to be selfless, I saw someone other than myself. Go figure! 
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