Married to My Friend

Dear Younger Self, 

Your best friend needs you. You look up and sigh a huge, defeated sigh, but your shoulders feel heavier. You are feeling guilty because you let your mind wonder how you can give so much of yourself to this person even if he’s currently in a place where he cannot give back. “He won’t give back, even when he can”, you think to yourself. Guilt. Frustration. Stresssss….

I must stop you here and ask, Who is Dan to you? Is he, as a person, a friend to you? Do his worries cross your mind? Do you know what is currently happening in his day to day that causes him stress? Do you look for something under or around his unkind or snide comments that could be fueling his frustrations? Might they have absolutely nothing to do with you? 

Do you think of him throughout the day in positive ways, or are you focusing on the one hurtful exchange from two days ago and replaying it over and over in your mind? You are giving power to your thoughts either way, so make sure they are not constantly negative. For every one negative thought you have about him, think of five really great thoughts about him. You shouldn’t have to dig super deep. 

Remember, once upon a time you two had fun together! Life doesn’t have to stop being fun and enriching and enjoyable with your husband just because life is simply…hard. In fact, your relationship will feel more productive and even enjoyable during hard times if you speak honestly, without contempt, without criticism, defensiveness or shutting down. Those destructive behaviors stack and erode your love and intimacy. 

Honesty, true empathy, and trying to be as much of a christlike and understanding friend to your husband as you are to the girl you minister to, who struggles regularly but you never judge, will surprise you. Put him to the test. If you are sincere about how you feel, without using destructive words, he will surprise you with amazing insight! I promise you! 

It will take a little practice to gain some trust back after the failed repair attempts and fear of patterns repeating, but if you want to feel heard and if you want to heal wounds that have been seeded deep, you must first change your husband’s position in your mind from a person you don’t love as much as protecting your fears and feelings, to your good friend. You have to give care to him as much as you do yourself. Everyday. Give care, don’t just care. There’s a difference. 

Minister to your husband. Be his honest and forgiving and “happy to see him” friend.  

Find ways to be on his side, on his team..and if that sounds like you’re submitting, I’ll word it differently. Make sure Dan’s on your side, on your team, opposite the problem you’re working through…I know you get touchy about feeling ruled over or controlled in any way. That is one of your fears, and you will not allow yourself to be talked down to or belittled. You’ve got a pretty impressive arsenal of defensive comebacks for when such occasions arise, but make sure you’re not automatically posturing for that to occur. Look deeper, at what’s really bothering your friend. You’ll learn that he’s not always out to hurt your feelings, so put your personal fears aside as you listen. Stand down…I can say that because I’m you. If he says that…I’ll get the shovel.   ( ;

Love, 

Your Future Self