Healthy Boundaries with Children

 

I have often found myself drawn to videos on social media of men and women playfully ranting about 

some aspect of the difficulties of parenting. Honestly, who doesn’t love a witty, messy bun wearing, 

exhausted mom, telling us “How it is”? This fresh and funny perspective is relatable, and the sentiment 

can be quite literally relieving because of how phenomenally complex and challenging the realities of 

raising children are. I mean, if we MUST go through the daily rigors of parent life, we might as well 

find the humor in it, right?

Although we pay homage to this type of parental comic relief with our likes and subscribes, we may be left feeling like the short clips of validation only carry us so far in terms of how we actually handle our own, very private difficult parenting situations.

One element of frustration in child rearing that stands out to me is setting and keeping healthy boundaries. Boundaries with children are supposed to delineate what children should and should not do, say, and expect, right? If we had a little more understanding of boundaries with children, would we free up a little energy in our lives for other, more meaningful things? Do the relationships with our children have to be so glaringly stereotypical, that any mom with a wine glass at her wits end, roasting her children in a video (as adorable and hilarious as those are), could sound like she just spent a day in your house?

Let’s examine that for just a moment, shall we?

My daughter, from the time she was tiny, would walk up to me while I was using my phone and ask to play a game, which didn’t bother me if I wasn’t using it for an important reason. If I was doing something important, however, I would tell her to wait, but then I would work very hard to finish up urgent emails, messages, etc., so that my little four-year-old would not be bored or start to get upset at me for not handing over the phone fast enough. This would leave me feeling frazzled and rushed, missing details that were critical to my necessary tasks. Using this small example, I’m attempting to illustrate that this is pretty much how our whole relationship developed, from the time she was very small, until I learned about boundaries. I began a relationship with her at a very young age that trained us both to give in to her emotional demands as immediately as possible before something worse would happen if I didn’t comply. This left both of us slaves to her emotions, but it didn’t have to be this way.

To me, this reality seems obvious in retrospect, but at the time, I didn’t realize how our relationship had grown from tending to a baby's basic needs, to giving my toddler everything she wanted that she thought was a need. The ambiguity, insecurity, and other negative traits kept growing and growing as I gave in to the whims of my child, and it needed to stop.

I do have some great news to share for those reading this that find themselves in a similar situation to the one I just described. You can change it! I can be human, unwittingly create exhausting patterns, and grow with my child toward a healthier relationship that frees us from those exhausting emotional battles. All is not lost.

Here’s some more great news! We aren’t completely to blame for our children’s self-centered natures. I don’t know about you, but this brought me a lot of comfort, kind of like the lighthearted videos, it makes the struggle of feeling parental burdens lighter to know that I didn’t ruin my children because of what I didn’t know.

Here are the facts: Children do not come to this earth with built-in boundaries. They are one hundred percent takers from day one. This is not an insult or an over simplified rant about children, so put your wine glasses back, ladies, and get ready for another solution. This is an instinct. Children are born trying to survive and are completely helpless. Their lives literally depend on us doing everything for them. Now add this reality to the consumerist culture we live in today, which leaves little left to wonder about why we have so many children and parents struggling about where to draw the lines in the sand.

In his book, Take Back Your Marriage: Sticking Together in a World That Pulls Us Apart, William J. Doherty, PhD writes,

 

“Children are natural and eager consumers of whatever time, attention, and goods and services that parents will provide. It’s the job of parents to discern how much is enough, how much is too much, and to enforce the difference. Most parents nowadays understand this when it comes to providing material goods to children. Spoiling kids with material things is a cultural no-no except for buying them electronics, which seems to have no limits these days. But setting limits on how much time and attention we give them, and how many opportunities and activities we provide, is not stressed in our culture. Children nowadays own their parents. In a swift turn of a generation or two, we went from the norm that children should be seen and not heard when adults are around, to the norm that it is only the children who should be seen and heard when adults are around.' 

'Parenting has become like operating a twenty-four-hour, seven-day-a-week store, with service on demand. Of course, parenting has always been a full-time job, but nowadays it’s not just being on call for children’s core needs, but being ready to respond instantly as if to a customer in your store. When children are little, they want constant face-to-face time with you as a parent, or at least they want you in the next room and available to meet their needs, wants, and whims (which, to young children, are indistinguishable). When they become mobile teenagers, they now want you to be on a twenty-four-hour cell-phone or instant-message leash in case they require information or permission for some activity. I hear parents complaining that their teenager scolds them when their cell phone is turned off. Who, you might ask, are the parents, and who are the children?”

Dr. Doherty councils parents not to apologize for creating more balance and encourages parents to invite children to support balance as “citizens of the family, and not just as unhappy customers of your services.”

He says to “be firm about changes you make,” and “don’t backtrack when they resist, but make reasonable compromises; for example, have a time for their bedroom door to be closed but not necessarily for light to be out.”  He says, “If you believe in these changes, and give your children clear reasons… they will eventually come to value the shift in the family environment.”

Some of the following tips might prove helpful:

1. Remind yourself repeatedly that your children are apt to be fighters for

their needs—nature has programmed them to be good at getting our attention— so be prepared to have the same conversation more than once. (Doherty,

2.  Have fixed bedtimes for your children, after which you are off duty

3. Don’t let your children interrupt every conversation you have. If you really want to finish something, or if you need a supportive listener, feel free to politely ask your children to come back later after you have finished talking. Teach them to ask if they can interrupt when someone is hurt, etc.

4. Don’t give your whole evening to tutoring your kids in their schoolwork, explaining a chore for the tenth time, etc. Let them feel the reward of working independently.

5. Carve out private time for yourself. Whether it’s only just fifteen minutes, and depending on the ages of your children, make time for your grown-up relationships or just private time that is uninterrupted. Your partner will thank you.

6. Carve out private space. Consider letting your children know that your bedroom is private when your door is closed and that they should knock. This sends the message that there are certain things that children do not share in without checking first.

7. Get sitters and go out. This is not only good for your relationship, but it also sends your children the message that you dress up, look great, and go out for a good time. Whatever their protests, even young children can handle a few hours of separation from their parents. Older children may be glad to be rid of you if they have good babysitters, and they will feel more secure because they sense that you enjoy each other’s company. Adolescents will be impressed that old-timers like you still date.

8. If you’re married, never complain about your spouse to the children. You don’t want to tell your children that your primary relationship is with them, not with your spouse. Here I am referring to important complaints about your mate’s personality or character, not the occasional frustrations, say, about being late or forgetting to turn the lights off.  

9. Be open with your children about what you are doing, and why you are doing it. This does not mean that your children should know all the details of your life. On the contrary, you can explain to your child that it’s okay for you to have your own space. You don’t have to give lectures, but make sure your children know that you are setting limits on attention and availability for them. Your explanations, of course, will be different for children at different levels of development, but all children past the toddler stage can understand that you like to be alone sometimes.

10. Be consistent. This is the part where your kids are going to test you, and if you change your mind about a certain boundary, or realize you don’t need to keep enforcing something, make sure you explain why you are doing it, and that it wasn’t because you finally realized that your child is the boss after all. You must be careful about the message you are sending them when you allow something you didn’t before.

This list may seem a bit self-serving to some. It may also appear counter intuitive for the child centric world we are raising kids in today, but it serves both parents and children. Some parents believe that their children are the sun and that their marriage relationship is like the planets, orbiting around the children and their demands. This should not be the case if parents desire children to have healthy, secure feelings about the family dynamic.  Children can develop a sense of kindness and thoughtfulness of others when they realize that they are not the center of the universe. They can also come to feel more secure in a world where they know where the limits are and the lines are drawn by loving, authoritative parenting. They will become better decision makers and better with their time management, because they will have learned some skills independently. Greatest of all, parents will truly enjoy time with their children, instead of looking for others with which to commiserate and grieve the loss of a personal life during the child rearing years.

 

Reference

Doherty, W. J. (2013). Take Back Your Marriage, Second Edition: Sticking Together in a World That Pulls Us Apart (Second ed.). The Guilford Press.